Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Lol, damn reminders

I dream electronic sheep

Bizarre dream last night. No, I didn't smoke funny cigarettes or drink coffee before bed. I..

I dream I am living on the third floor of a nondescript building back in my home town of Enugu city, Nigeria. I'm stood in the balcony and in deep conversation with a friend. My 7 year old is playing around us and trying to lean over the balcony. I tell him off but he keeps doing it. Then he leans too far, but I catch hold of his trouser legs. It's his school trousers, his fly is undone, he's slipping out. I can't hold on and he drops. I scream in horror and run downstairs. As I get there a crowd had already gathered around his lifeless body. Bizarrely they are already dressed up in mourning outfits, the women wailing, a tiny coffin laid out, priest in attendance. As I reach for his bloodied body he opens his eyes, sits up and starts laughing. The crowd join in, pointing at me. I turn back to my son and he's all normal. "Dad stop panicking, I only fell over, we live on the first floor". I am very pissed off and go to get a slipper to thwack him. I push the bedroom door open and.. find myself in the foyer of my local leisure center in Catford.

It's packed full of women and children, all queued up to go swimming. "sorry sir, but you can't go in, it's a private party till 5pm". At this point my neighbour's wife comes out. "that's OK, he's invited". She takes me in and it's a swingers convention. I am confused. "don't worry, you'll know what to do". I mingle with the partying naked crowd, they take my clothes off, pour me a drink. A couple grab hold of me and take me to a room. The guy demands I eat his lady's pussy. As I'm about to oblige I look at the woman. I'm very startled. She's my girlfriend from long past, incredibly angry and very pregnant. I pull away from under her in sheer terror. She's screeching at me as I back away, she goes into labour. I'm stood there, numb, thinking this is unreal and..

.. The alarm goes off. It's 6.15 am. Pounding headache, batman t-shirt drenched in sweat, morning wood. I feel like I've been in a tumble dryer.

We are all Monkeys

Racism is one of those very weird emotions. I don't think I've ever had racist thoughts towards White, Black or Asian people (he pats body to see if it's all there), maybe a tad tribalist, but never looked down on (or up to) someone based on their lack of melanin (is that racist?). I have no idea what it feels like, but I sure know how to fcuk with motherfuckers, take em out in unexpected ways.

See when Barcelona footballer Dani Alves picked the banana thrown at him by the racists and ate it my whole house hold went Braaap! Braaap! Braaap! My young sons didn't get it, but I tried my best to explain what happened.  I like smart dudes, crack response, gets the message across - "we have bigger dicks, fcuk faster and better than you bitches, now fcuk off back to your retarded regressive gene pool, racist cunts!" (ed's edit - chrome, cut back on the stereotyping) . Banana munching monkeys.

I remember riding the night bus 25 to illford one of those stupid nights when a couple of white boys started singing loudly "Nigga this, Nigga that", hip hop hand gestures and all. I turned around and stared at them hard, they returning the stare, like "what? what you gonna do?". "Nigga? In your dreams mate, you don't qualify". They didn't expect that response. So much for reclaiming the N word.

Sometimes you have come at these people sideways. Should Alves have walked off the pitch when the banana was thrown? Nah, can't give em that satisfaction. It's a problem of society not football, a reflection of those who, despite being "more advanced" than us Black Gods, cannot quit hating.  What is it about Black people that gets these motherfucks acting crazy?  Our beauty must wind them up something chronic. Yes laws are in place and all that, but the changes must come from within us.  Any time soon? I won't be holding my breath. The racists have been banned from the football ground for life.

Well done mate.

#SayNoToRacism #WeAreAllMonkeys


Monday, 28 April 2014

MC Galaxy - Nek-Unek

MC Galaxy found fame with his exotic dancing in Iyanya's monster hit Kukere, and now makes waves with his heavy-rotation video Nek-Unek

Black equity

Poor Lenny Henry, should go live in Nigeria, he'll be very welcome. UKIP council guy eat a dick. This is what political apathy leads to. Nationalism by the way of cheap racial narratives. smh

Diversity. You hear the word, you think social justice, politicisation of race, historical redress, inclusive social contracts. Sometimes you don't know what to think. Do they actually want diversity?  Take the football industry for example. 30% of the players and coaching staff are of African, Caribbean/South American origin and mixed black heritage, yet not one black man or woman is in top flight football management. Across the leagues. A disgrace by any other name. The same dogs us through the various professional and government sectors. Representation token, if that at all.

Look at the BBC

I get the urge to scream when I am surrounded by middle aged white management natives, knowing my black brethren more than contribute to the very same system. You get overlooked and misrepresented so much that your default mode is operating outside the system. Why must I go for self all the time?
I have not illusions about racial harmony and at best see myself as an African economic migrant, but God dammit! I have more than earned my equity in the British economic, financial and political institution. I demand representation, even if it must be enforced through the dreaded quota system.  It works for the Americans.

Should never come to that, but the social contract is bunk and can't recognize equity without amendment.

Friday, 25 April 2014

train of thought

"Swear some nights, I don't sleep cos the weight of the world feels like the weight of my sheets". I gave up the poisonous vegetables, did away with the meat.

Am I now I'm what I eat?

It's Friday, fish and chips and all that. More importantly it's the end of a short week. I got some much needed sleep, refused to count sheep. Gotta get into the swing of things, got a London to Brighton ride coming up, need the rest/exertion balance right. The pain barrier about to be tested.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Notes from an Organ Grinder

I've tried everything to be late today, yet I find myself on the first train, in the carriage I've last been. Have I become an organ grinder? Thank Yahwe for coffee shops, this brew I sip as I blog is a fcuking life saver, especially if one turned in at 3am. I'm becoming an insomniac, sleep a necessary inconvenience. What was it Nas rhymed again? "I never sleep cos sleep is the cousin of death". Dope lyricist, shame the nigga fell off.

Today's theme is getting shit done, the right way or wrong, break the chains of inertia. We as humans procrastinate a lot, is why a lot of shit never gets done. Fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt or hurting ("she loves me, she loves me not! people she loves!"), devil-you-know bunk philosophies, generally inert. social inertia. So shit eats away at the soul, extreme level events being the common push to really get you going ("shit the bailiffs are coming round today!").

I'm my enemy numero uno, ichi ban, #1. Forever planning stuff to the finest details, making lists of things outstanding stuff to be done, but finding every rubbish excuse under the sun not to execute. Today that changes.

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Faustian Pact

Couple Mimi Faust & Nikko Smith. Never heard of them till the "accidental release" of their sex tape. Also couldn't tell you nada about the VH1 reality show, "Love and Hip Hop Atlanta" Season 3, they star in.  I'm sure its nominally related to Hip Hop, but never mind.  Reality TV gone wild huh?

I dig their erotica, but .. some things you don't put out like that, always a price for that level of notoriety down the line. The Devil always comes back for his.

I've linked to the explicit infamous video below (NSFW 18+). Don't click if you are .. lol, enjoy!


A short week is no solace

Tuesday, day after the long Easter holiday weekend and I am positively knackered. Didn't help I went bed at 1.45 am. Between shrugging off the celebratory food and drinks, getting over an expensive afternoon cinema trip to watch Spider-Man 2 (seriously, avoid) with the kids and getting a website finished, I've completely exhausted holiday equity. And now I'm sat in a busy waiting room, dental appointment.  The shits never seems enough. Why can't the powers make Easter a week long event? I thought the United Kingdom was a Christian country?

Recent comments on the spiritual status of the country has landed Prime Minister David Cameron in hot water. My mother is impressed by his "Christianity" and will now vote for the Conservatives in the next election.  The UK government is secular and rightly so, religion having no place in the modern state, but it is a majority Christian populace, a statement of fact. I don't get the militant secularist, agitating at the mere mention of Christianity in public discourse. But is this representative of local sentiments? I went to church over the Easter and it's clear it is the immigrants from Africa, Caribbeans, Latino and eastern Europe are keeping Christianity alive. The indigenous English have all but abandoned Christianity. But replaced it with what? Unfettered consumerism?

"I consume therefore I am"

I am secularist bordering on functional atheism, but I feel religion (until an acceptable alternative) has a strong role to play in society's morality. Yes the firebrand evangelical intolerant Taliban-ism has no place, but the gentle, passionate and logical messages of Jesus, Buddha and such great men go a long way in creating a better society. Plus you only have to look around to see most charitable community drives like the food banks are run by the church. The atheist has no equivalent. 

Talking of food banks, it is ironic that "God fearing" leader David Cameron has brought us to this national state of being. One God for the rich.. 

So yes to Christianity, no to David Cameron. But don't ask me to suspend my disbelief and go church.  I've been up all night.

Monday, 21 April 2014

Easter Sunday

I should really learn to say no, my Easter hospitality's knackered me, lol. Nah, it was good, had my parents, a couple of friends, one bringing his family along. You'd think it was Christmas or something.

Still a good time, me going in with the Honey Lamb roast, Pomegranate salad, sweet potato and butterscotch. Christ has risen you know, gotta celebrate.  I don't think I ever cooked on Easter before, a good first.  Gotta love Levi Roots, his Caribbean food made easy is a wikid book brimming with easy to follow delicious recipes.

No holiday celebration is complete without the family argument.  Had a good natured one with my mother. The usual reason, berating me for my choice of music. I had to play Fela Kuti's "Shuffering and Shmiling" init, where he "blasphemously"goes in on the Archbishop, Pope and Imam, pointing out the gullibility of people who blindly follow them.

Blistering social commentary of a song, sang in his unique blend of English and Pidgin, no holds barred style that constantly got him into trouble with the Nigerian Authorities.  What set the legend apart was his incredible Afro beat sound and great showmanship, firmly underlined by his unerring social militancy.  Did nothing by half.  Of course by the end of the ride my mom's was bobbing her head to the infectious beats.

this next video? phat beat, crap song and delivery, bootiful visuals. fcuk a thousand words

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Aquemini .. Church!

I am on the train eating a lamb pattie and drinking black coffee. Odd combo, but some mornings you want something else, something different from regulation golden syrup porridge™. The pretty voluptuous lady in the pattie shop laughed when I asked if she was Jamaican. No she's Ugandan. The smile was a sight for sore eyes (and empty bellies).

"We missed a lot of church so the music is our confessional". Big Boi and Andre 3000 were very sharp with the bars when they dropped that line, Aquemini, bad chooon! Aquemini and ATLiens, possibly OutKast's finest hip hop albums (before they went all black eyed pea-ish, female friendly on nigguz). That line stuck with me, the power of confession, cleansing, spitting honest bars.

One cannot operate without some sort of emotional/spiritual outlet, some avenue to introspect and say it out loud. The very act cleanses the soul, makes real the demons one must tackle. I live in denial about aspects of me so it does feel good to speak to a friend about stuff, blog about stuff, and yes even listen to a hip hop tune related to stuff.

I remember my younger Catholic days of going to confession just before easter. Then I had fuck all to say. "Father forgive me because I've sinned, I didn't make my bed and wash the plates". Very innocent times, the beauty and simplicity of childhood. But it wasn't long before I thought, yeah do whatever and confess on Saturday. Lol, I wasn't that cynical and stopped believing by then anyway. But I never forget the cleansing feeling of confession and talking through stuff.

"No problem my child. Say four Hail Marys and say two rosaries, Allah loves you".

This blog is my confessional.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

To spec

Some things we are not, no matter how much we are in love with the idea.  It's kinda weird cos you like to think you know everything about yourself, what you can and cannot do, and in that moment, that twilight, you find out different.  Toking on a reefer last night I had this moment of clarity, this understanding of my basic nature, emotionally, spiritually, sexually. The good and not so good thing about Ganja. It retracts your inhibitors, lets the mind soar, see beauty in the hideous, but this goes all the way to body and soul. It's like a third eye opens, out of body, your spirit soars high above the physical, you visit corners, retrace steps, sometimes thoughts you'd rather not have, perhaps memories you'd rather forget. The most lovely oddish feeling and I get why the Rasta meditate under its influence. It's not an emotional herb, stark in its effects, more brings on introspection. I like introspection.  But this post is not an ode to marijuana. It's more about self, the competing complexities.

So who am I? The lover, the office worker? The software developer, the father? The husband, that dude? The husband, freaky guy? Perhaps it's what I'm not that I should focus on, it is maybe how I am percived. But it's like blu's post about what people like in her, like how would she know if they don't verbally say.


Had a great time last night, excellent music, chilled, thoughtful, aloof, removed, involved, intimate. Great great great company with two great people, unfortunately not every expectation was met. Sorry is all that I can say (Tracy Chapman song comes to mind).  Maybe I'm not up to spec, maybe in some configurations I will never be. Still, always a great time, especially when peeps know their hip hop, football, life and shit. Definitely worth hooking up again for fun times. Today, I feel like lying on a hot beach or sleeping in a sun kissed park, alone, headphones, eyes to the sky.

But real life beckons. Back to work


Rekindled my love for Neo Soul beat driven muzak

Monday, 14 April 2014

Been a minute since I last blogged on the work run. Ran for my 8:12 train, slightly out of breath, up for a quick post. So what's hood? Nothing much, sun out, spent a good few hours yesterday biking with my sons and a couple of their friends, neighbourhood kids. Double round of ice cream, almost killing myself trying to do a wheelie on a skate ramp, kick about with a semi pumped ball. The kids didn't want to go home. Daddy day care.

Ah yes, I discovered BBC 5 Live on the old DAB box, rekindled my love for listening to live football commentaries on the radio. It's an exercise in colourful imagination to visualise, be it a cracking game of football, the London marathon run, a round of golf, to picture a game of sport via the incessant and excited voice of a radio commentator. Used to listen a lot as a kid, my uncles only listening live to check their betting slips for winnings ("Chrome, I won £20! run to the shop and get me a Guinness, get yourself a lollipop").
C'mon Liverpool!!! Disclaimer: I am a long suffering Arsenal supporter, just don't want Chel$ea and that odious Mourinho to win the league cup. Actually I do quite fancy the "Special One". #nohomo


Eating my morning golden syrup porridge, slurping my coffee when a radio segment comes on about Adultery and how it must be helping marriages. Some scientific research doctor woman vs some lady campaigner who wants to fight Adultery across the globe. Said lady campaigner was said to have had an affair with famous TV chef Gordon Ramsey. Well dodgy.

Risque ey?
The researchers had spoken to a lot of married and long term partnership people registered with and sites like that, catering for absolute discretion. While most had joined for reasons of sexless situations but wished to remain in it for financial reasons, the kids etc, a good number had no such reasons, citing a brief change, "It's complicated". They pointed to the growing number of these sites as evidence that monogamy is a societal construct, and the British could do well to be like the French. Lady campaign argued otherwise, our instant gratification society, the internets, her creaking inbox full up of hurt men and women, single and other, who such sites sell pipe dreams. Segment ended with researcher arguing they had gone there looking for love and other stuff, always bound to get hurt.

I am on the fence with this one. People will always do people, no right or wrong here, be it judeo-christian constructs of monogamy or flower age free love. One side argues man needs structures, norms to protect himself from himself, the other says fuck it life is short.

And then these guys come along?? complicated

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Pure Water™

When I went Naijaz pure water was the only drinking water you could be sure of. Well more a leap of faith, given the scrawny kid sellers weaving through traffic, bottles or plastic sachets a hoist, 200 Naira a pop. "Pure Wata! Pure Wata! Oga please buy My Pure Wata".  Oga is pidgin English lingo for Boss.  The kids didn't look older than 9/10 years of age (shouldn't they be in school?).  I held out buying for two days, but one ridiculously hot afternoon, the Sun was very mean.  The ice cold sweat dripping bottles looked heavenly.  I soon came around to the doctrine of Pure Water™.  Still, I had my Imodium and indigestion tablets to hand, the wrong drink or over spiced food ever present, placed nicely to eff up proceedings. I kept the empty bottles ("Oga please return the empties, we go pay you for am") and by the end of the holidays I had amassed like over a hundred.


A Nigerian, an American and a German board a plane. As the plane was flying over the sea Satan™ came out and said to them "I want you to drop something into the sea, if i find it you die and if i don't you live".  The American quickly plucked a button from his shirt and threw it into the sea, Satan dived into the sea and came up with the button. ''see!'' he said and killed the American. The German threw a Pin into the sea, Satan dived and came out with the Pin. ''See!'' he said and killed the German. The Nigerian brought out a Pure water™ sachet, opened it and poured the contents into the sea holding back the sachet, he said to Satan, ''Oya begin find water inside water...Idiot''...

the devil bowed


What a picture of pure joy! Always feels good to win ... two of my fav players, Samuel Eto and Demba Ba. shame they play for Chelsea...


Still giggling from spend most of last night watching the one and only comedian Akpors. Original bush man! Abeg, please follow me laugh small small

Friday, 4 April 2014


It's been a very busy rough-ish week, lots of calls to people on different continents, lots of software detail.  The rat race is one hell of an event. But who cares ey? Its Friday, put it all away, polish the dancing shoes and head out to town.


Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Enugu, 042

Still can't get enough of Phyno's music, one of Enugu city's finest rappers.  I have a few of my peoples living on the very street where the video for "Man Of The Year" was shot.  The city doesn't sleep, just keeps producing and producing, from Wizboyy, Flavour, Bracket, iLLBliss, Slow Dog, the list is endless.  Man! I miss my city

042 stand up!!!